What I'm listening to: Kelis - Guilty

Girls have minds of their own

Don't know why
But my thoughts are completely Out of control
I feel everytime
I'm all alone
I want to let this go
Cause I'm just feeling so damn..

Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel guilty
Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel..

Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel guilty

Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel..

Wish I could shake this
I'm acting so selfish
How can I do this
What the hell am I thinking
What am I thinking
Wish I could shake this
Im acting so foolish
How can I do this
What the hell am I thinking..

But I feel...
Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel guilty
Guilty, just wrong and guilty
He won't get out of my mind
Its all the time its filthy,
Im guilty, dead wrong and guilty
Cause what he does to me inside my dreams
Just makes me feel..

Buju Banton Convicted...

Yesterday Buju Banton was found guilty in a florida court of conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute five or more kilograms of coke, possession of a firearm in furtherance of a drug-trafficking offense and using the wires to facilitate a drug-trafficking offense. He was found not guilty on the charge of attempted possession of a firearm with the attempt to distribute. He awaits sentencing.

They say Buju told an informant that he could easily broker the big drug deal. However, Banton testified in court that he was talking sshit, with prosecutors conceding that he had never put any money into a deal.

Buju now faces 15 years in prison at the least. Much of the case rested on both video and audio recordings made by the informant and the US DEA. The informant received $50,000 after Banton was arrested in December 2009, along with two others.
One of the videos showed Banton tasting coke in a warehouse. A co-defendant apparently later gave the informant just over $135,000 and, along with another man, he has pleaded guilty to all the drug charges against Buju's name.

Buju Banton had a conversation with a paid government informer on a an airplane from Spain to the USA, after which he remained to have contact with this informer.

Then, there are two other people arrested together with him. One of them initially signed a statement saying Buju Banton has nothing to do with the cokane case these people might or might not be involved in. However, both men have joined Babylon and are now accusing Buju Banton in order to get a lower sentence themselves. when the government can't get their evidence, they just intimidate you and say: "plea guilty, we will lower the sentence".

Plea-deals are an abomination, both for truth-finding and for the overall sense of justice. How many people have actually said they were guilty of a crime they did not commit, only because if they keep sticking to the truth they will serve much longer in these prisons?

I think Buju used some but not brokered them...

Lybian Egyptian Evolution - Outting Mubarak & al-Gaddafi

Lybia is feeling the rippling liberation spreading through the middle east in the wake of Cairo protesters demanding the resignation of Hosni Mubarak, their president since 1981 (hardly two years after I was born). Mubarak's resignation on February 11, 2010 is an indication that corrupt and oil wealthy leaders of the middle east are in their last stages and that democracy is near.
Lybia's Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi has been in office since 1969, and is accused of genocide and other crimes against humanity by his own regime, but vows to fight to the last drop of blood after the Lybian Opposition has taken control over most towns.

These leaders are sour I'm sure. Mubarak is rumored to have cancer and slipping in and out of consciousness, writing his memoirs and bidding farewell...requesting to die as a martyr. al-Gaddafi on the other hand is preparing to sabotage the oil industry by blowing up pipelines, using his wealth and his remaining 5,000 loyal troops to fight for a very long time, vowing to turn Lybia into another Somalia.
A few weeks ago I overheard a conversation by three men discussing why they aren't really supporting the uprising in Egypt, saying that the Egypt protesters didn't support the blacks in America during the Civil right movement. How petty.
People aren't separated by language, race, religion or boundaries, but to me, by culture...who gathers together in tough times. And I, as a black single-mother in Houston Texas, United States support the people having a chance to command their own lives, and spell out for themselves what makes them happy. I encourage them to continue to assess the current state and address their needs together, thinking through each possible scenario carefully.
I wait for North Korea, China, Sudan, Burma, Haiti, Uzbekistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Eritrea, Cuba, Syria, Vietnam, and Ethiopia...Come forward.
The time is now. Leaders like Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Stalin, Jean-Claude Duvalier, and the 1st through 15th American presidents deserved to be contested. Wrong deserves to be righted.
I'm impressed and hope everyone gets a chance in life to live happily.

What I'm listening to....

Sunshine Anderson - U Doin' It

Oprah's Mother Vernita Lee and Her Bag of Secrets

Recently Oprah came forward to reveal that she had a half-sister named Patricia, given up for adoption by her mother Vernita Lee.
Oprah stated that Patricia had contacted Vernita several times in an attempt to reunite, but each offer was declined. Patricia was persistent and finally reached out to Oprah's camp. Oprah decided to meet with Patricia since Patricia was not trying to double deal or sell her story, but genuinely wanted to connect with a family she was related to.
Upon the reveal, Vernita, per reports, collapsed. Friends and family are fearful now of a stroke. Vernita isn't doing well.
While this story is probably more common than not, I don't think the process for the adopted seeking out birth mothers is good. I am a very present and realistic person, preferring to deal with the here and now, rather than the invariable what ifs. Asking myself what would have been if this or that...had I been skinny, or tall, white, male, rich, whatever...etc.
Being mature and realistic, women who give their children up for adoption may miss their children but most live with the secret until they die, never giving any detail about adoptions. That is very sad and unnecessary. We should be more forgiving in regards to women and pregnancy.
Adoptions are so quick and hush-hush, It's really sad how easily children are given up without regard for perhaps another family member taking in the child, or the father asked to have either him or his family members take in the child. Adoptive families care little for the situation of the birth mother and most don't want a relationship with her. These decisions are made on the child's behalf and once the child grows into an adult, it's sad again that the child seeks out the birth mother.

I can only imagine they want to see if they look alike, if they will connect, find out the story of their conception, clues to who the father may be, if there are siblings, if they know....just resurrecting all kinds of skeletons...which leads me to confusion.

I would only make one recommendation to birth mothers, to deal with the baby, assume responsibility, or anonymously give the baby up for adoption. Your name is not required to give a baby away. To leave your name and contact information is enticing to an adopted person. If you don't want to be found, then don't leave any clues.
I'm on the side of right. In terms of becoming pregnant by mistake, it can happen, does happen, and not all the time is the mother married, stable, competent, prepared, capable of being a good mother or provide a good life for a child. So yes, adoption is an option, but prevention is the key.

We as women have to be more transparent with our daughters in educating them these exact example situations. My grandmother would say 'what is done in the dark will come to light', or the other 'that what doesn't come out in the wash comes out in the rinse'.

Vernita Lee is a common typed woman, same situations as many so no judgements there. But rest assured that this isn't the only secret that woman has. She was saved by a system to relocate an unwanted baby to a family that wanted one. Great for the child, and great that she could swallow her pride to offer this child a possibly better life.

Patricia is owed something though, maybe the reuniting she has received, but perhaps she deserves a mother and father who is cautious, unfailing, loving and providing. I'm sorry for Patricia and for anyone who has been abandoned by their parents. This world is cold and mean, and parents are one of the essential elements in learning how to navigate though this. Adoptive parents are a saving grace, bless them.
So if Vernita Lee is palpitating somewhere, it's because she needs to confront her past, mend, rectify, or apologize for shit.
I encourage her though. I encourage her to erect herself, assess her life, reach back and fix whatever it is that she needs to to feel that she is accountable for her actions. I wouldn't worry about feeling like a loose woman, or how it makes you feel like a bad mother. We have all fallen, no one is righteous enough to judge except for the good father.
I encourage you as well, not simply to be accountable and assume responsibility, but to forgive and allow wrongs to be righted by sincere apology.

Happy Black History Month

It's is time again to honor our black historical fugures that have affected the progress of blacks. Dr. Martin Luther King is the first come to mind when you think of black progression, but while I honor and appreciate Dr. King, the struggle and plight of blacks is far from over.

So while in most places people will eat bar-b-que to celebrate Dr. King, Malcom, Thurgood Marshall, Booker T. Washington, Crispus Attucks, and many many more...I pray.

I pray black people reassemble themselves to point out faults in our own culture and seek to resolve issues that are generally getting worse such as poverty, schools and education, violence and drugs, lack of positive adult role models, AIDS, healthcare, among other serious issues.

I have a dream too....

A dream we could all get along and no one be in competition with one another.

A dream ladies could act like ladies and not slick and slimy, lying, and skrewing around.

A dream where men commit, are loving, providing, and supportive.

A dream where little black girls and little black boys can play in the street and not be looked at as sexual beings.

A dream where men can beat thier chest and for good reason.

A dream where black women don't have to be either sexy or useful.

A dream where black men would excel as much as thier women.

A dream where children are not shuffled through a TAKS focused education.

A dream where the Attorney General is not man of the house.

A dream where women don't have to be whores to get on TV.

A dream we can be through with all kinds of foolishness.

A dream where people are just simple people.

I Have a Dream no?

Funny...

Update...

I love to share. But I like sharing bullshit, like favorite colors and what irritates me, but not the really important things. Well a blog that I had done in 2009 was brought to my attention by my now ex, and as I read it I realized that I do have a gift for sharing. Not completely, but as a re-read post it was pretty relateable

Well, the update is that I couldn't get over the cheating. I thought the cheating wasn't so much a physical offense, but rather an emotional fault. The emails that I talked about were intimate, and full of 'love you's' and flirting...talks of our relationship and how bad it was.

Betrayed and increasingly angry, I acted out. Being unnecessarily bland, dodging the house whenever possible, reading between lines, over-analyzing...blah blah blah...I made my kids my whole life and put up a shell.

I moved out and now I have some divorce papers sitting (honestly getting dusty) waiting for some decision.

That was super hard to get off my chest, since it's been nearing a year since the move and still many people don't know.

Selah

Okay, so truth. I felt rushed into marriage. I wasn't really ready, but I still didn't put up a fuss, Oh, I was pregnant. I did love my husband, but I didn't see the traits of a great couple either. We had a baby coming and we both wanted a complete home fitted with mom and dad, dog, backyard, family gatherings...etc.

But we're in this now so let's give it a go... We made it four years and three months, and while we tried to fix what we could and try not let the hardest things to fix not bother us...it still wasn't enough. We were facing some financial problems and he said that one day he was going to leave and I was going to come home to nothing. So I packed up my and my daughters things and bounced. Tearful, hard like unimaginable, but I left nonetheless. I got a little place, couple of problems, but we're safe and together.

THIS is what I wanna say. Failure.

Failure is the worst possible fukkin feeling. A feeling so engulfing and damaging, more horrible than lost love, lost tangibles, rejection, all that and even death of a loved one. I failed as a wife. I should have been more honest, should have worked harder, been more organized, fukked way more often, Should have communicated, should have managed more of the money, should have talked about all of these things before we got married and should have prayed together.

I believe for that marriage, God was the missing element. We were both blessed and we both individually served, but we should have stood upright as a couple to face the word as a unit, not individually. We just could not get on the same worship and service wavelength (?). I went to church on my own mostly for a while, then stopped going altogether because I wasn't really meeting anyone in the church, I wasn't involved, I didn't feel a part, I wasn't being supported in attending, and figured no one would miss me if I never came back. All my fault. I would have made friends if I would have stopped to talk, got in a group, introduced myself, not tossed rocks on the folks as I sped away after service, hahahaha gone to the new member orientation for that matter, lol. You gotta be serious when you call on the name of the father, or it could be dangerous. 

Crazy thing is I was simply lonely and hurting from my marriage failing. Even my own father is a pastor and he and my grandmother are always glad to see me when I come, but I didn't go there because I was sulking like a child, and didn't want them to see me without my husband. I found reasons to hide and be alone, things to do privately so one one could witness the mess I had gotten into.

For me, the hardest things in life have to do deal with confidence, and somewhere I found it, and am coming back slowly. I'm not all fukked up, but I am struggling to see myself as a humble and independent, God fearing woman with full understanding of my capabilities. If you pray for me, pray for him too...we both have it hard. A family falling apart is no entertaining blogpost. 

My only advice, and you knows how I roll....I always have advice for those that care to listen....so gather round. Okay, if you wanna marriage to last you have to have these things in place to increase your odds of a strong and enjoyable marriage, no particular order other than GOD first.
1. Like minded spiritually. Share the same beliefs, worship the same, able to connect nearly at the same level spiritually.
2. Sexually attracted. You have to like the package you got. Its gonna get old and you're gonna have to keep it up and have fun on it and show it off to whomever, but you gotta feel that sizzle when you see em.
3. Someone who you can argue with fairly, but mostly agree with, someone who understands your wants and knows what buttons to not push, and WON'T push them, lol.
4. Someone who likes the same foods, music, extra-curricular activities, agrees with you politically or at least makes a good conversation.
5. Someone who has confidence in you.
6. Someone who can tell you hard and simple truths, a person not scared of your reaction.
7. Someone who you can rely on when things get tough. You lose your job, get sick, need some money, someone to talk you through tough stuff....u get my drift.
8. Someone who is nice to you. Likes you, wants to be around you, and is good for you.

There are infinite things that could make marriage last, but it still falls on the will of a couple. People stay together as long as they want to, some deal with the craziest shit from each other and still find their way home each day. Go figure. Make you wanna ask what is Love? Some people wanna be loved and adored so badly that they'll take whatever is dished out. Not me. I want what I want or I don't want anything at all.

Damn shame what happened, but as I come through I want to shed all of this anger and defeatist attitude. On the other side I wanna be ready for life and all of the twists and turns that she brings. This ride goes super fast, and you only get to go around once, might as well enjoy the ride.

This blog is mine. I write it, mostly all of my feelings, pretty much what it is. No frills, nothing too serious, usually mindless reading, but I want any reader to know that we are all people dealing with real situations.

...now put that on your wall...

Ha Ha hardy Ha Ha!

What an inspiration!

Men as Women

My quick thoughts...

1) Men always get women wrong. Men cannot do women no matter who or how hard they try. Women are by far more complex than any man who I have ever seen attempt to portray or imitate. They just don't have the softness, grace, or feminine attitude that women have. Our approach is just altogether different from men.

2) Whether you are gay or not - do u genuinely. People pull you apart slowly and will judge each layer of everything you do, examining and carefully uncovering weaknesses and faults. Handle your faults before you hand them over for observation. Me, personally I know that i see only slim glimpses into others minds, and that those glances don't hardly show who a person is before they filter out what is not politically correct. So I don't judge but observe - collectively there may be enough to say you know someone.Claiming that you're grown means you can differentiate right and wrong, navigate through life independently and providingly, and can self-discipline. So as long as you know your creator and live as HE commands, you should be good. It's important also to say

Lastly, it's the world that begs for that type of entertainment that provokes the devil. Sickos are everywhere. They are perverted, and involved in all types of disgusting behaviors, and all they want to do is see if you're down. Don't do it.