Update...

I love to share. But I like sharing bullshit, like favorite colors and what irritates me, but not the really important things. Well a blog that I had done in 2009 was brought to my attention by my now ex, and as I read it I realized that I do have a gift for sharing. Not completely, but as a re-read post it was pretty relateable

Well, the update is that I couldn't get over the cheating. I thought the cheating wasn't so much a physical offense, but rather an emotional fault. The emails that I talked about were intimate, and full of 'love you's' and flirting...talks of our relationship and how bad it was.

Betrayed and increasingly angry, I acted out. Being unnecessarily bland, dodging the house whenever possible, reading between lines, over-analyzing...blah blah blah...I made my kids my whole life and put up a shell.

I moved out and now I have some divorce papers sitting (honestly getting dusty) waiting for some decision.

That was super hard to get off my chest, since it's been nearing a year since the move and still many people don't know.

Selah

Okay, so truth. I felt rushed into marriage. I wasn't really ready, but I still didn't put up a fuss, Oh, I was pregnant. I did love my husband, but I didn't see the traits of a great couple either. We had a baby coming and we both wanted a complete home fitted with mom and dad, dog, backyard, family gatherings...etc.

But we're in this now so let's give it a go... We made it four years and three months, and while we tried to fix what we could and try not let the hardest things to fix not bother us...it still wasn't enough. We were facing some financial problems and he said that one day he was going to leave and I was going to come home to nothing. So I packed up my and my daughters things and bounced. Tearful, hard like unimaginable, but I left nonetheless. I got a little place, couple of problems, but we're safe and together.

THIS is what I wanna say. Failure.

Failure is the worst possible fukkin feeling. A feeling so engulfing and damaging, more horrible than lost love, lost tangibles, rejection, all that and even death of a loved one. I failed as a wife. I should have been more honest, should have worked harder, been more organized, fukked way more often, Should have communicated, should have managed more of the money, should have talked about all of these things before we got married and should have prayed together.

I believe for that marriage, God was the missing element. We were both blessed and we both individually served, but we should have stood upright as a couple to face the word as a unit, not individually. We just could not get on the same worship and service wavelength (?). I went to church on my own mostly for a while, then stopped going altogether because I wasn't really meeting anyone in the church, I wasn't involved, I didn't feel a part, I wasn't being supported in attending, and figured no one would miss me if I never came back. All my fault. I would have made friends if I would have stopped to talk, got in a group, introduced myself, not tossed rocks on the folks as I sped away after service, hahahaha gone to the new member orientation for that matter, lol. You gotta be serious when you call on the name of the father, or it could be dangerous. 

Crazy thing is I was simply lonely and hurting from my marriage failing. Even my own father is a pastor and he and my grandmother are always glad to see me when I come, but I didn't go there because I was sulking like a child, and didn't want them to see me without my husband. I found reasons to hide and be alone, things to do privately so one one could witness the mess I had gotten into.

For me, the hardest things in life have to do deal with confidence, and somewhere I found it, and am coming back slowly. I'm not all fukked up, but I am struggling to see myself as a humble and independent, God fearing woman with full understanding of my capabilities. If you pray for me, pray for him too...we both have it hard. A family falling apart is no entertaining blogpost. 

My only advice, and you knows how I roll....I always have advice for those that care to listen....so gather round. Okay, if you wanna marriage to last you have to have these things in place to increase your odds of a strong and enjoyable marriage, no particular order other than GOD first.
1. Like minded spiritually. Share the same beliefs, worship the same, able to connect nearly at the same level spiritually.
2. Sexually attracted. You have to like the package you got. Its gonna get old and you're gonna have to keep it up and have fun on it and show it off to whomever, but you gotta feel that sizzle when you see em.
3. Someone who you can argue with fairly, but mostly agree with, someone who understands your wants and knows what buttons to not push, and WON'T push them, lol.
4. Someone who likes the same foods, music, extra-curricular activities, agrees with you politically or at least makes a good conversation.
5. Someone who has confidence in you.
6. Someone who can tell you hard and simple truths, a person not scared of your reaction.
7. Someone who you can rely on when things get tough. You lose your job, get sick, need some money, someone to talk you through tough stuff....u get my drift.
8. Someone who is nice to you. Likes you, wants to be around you, and is good for you.

There are infinite things that could make marriage last, but it still falls on the will of a couple. People stay together as long as they want to, some deal with the craziest shit from each other and still find their way home each day. Go figure. Make you wanna ask what is Love? Some people wanna be loved and adored so badly that they'll take whatever is dished out. Not me. I want what I want or I don't want anything at all.

Damn shame what happened, but as I come through I want to shed all of this anger and defeatist attitude. On the other side I wanna be ready for life and all of the twists and turns that she brings. This ride goes super fast, and you only get to go around once, might as well enjoy the ride.

This blog is mine. I write it, mostly all of my feelings, pretty much what it is. No frills, nothing too serious, usually mindless reading, but I want any reader to know that we are all people dealing with real situations.